Seems a bold claim to make, but then again, I don’t own any inflatable dolls. Maybe I am really missing out. Oh, and if you were wondering, ”Susan is Judy’s Negro friend.”

The Ice Capades was a traveling ice show that ran from 1940 to 1995 that featured ex-Olympian skaters,  elaborate set-pieces/themes, and costumes that could have been featured in a 1930s Hollywood musical. The Capades had its roots in vaudeville theater, and many early acts included comedians, jugglers, barrel jumpers, magicians, and other such entertainers. There were several 1940s motion pictures inspired by the show including Ice Capades and Ice Capades Revue, and although they were critically panned, served as glitzy escapism for a public ensnared in war. Former Olympian Dorothy Hamill bought the show in 1993 for 10 million dollars, and then sold it to (of all people) Pat Robertson in 1995. Not surprisingly, Robertson managed to run it into the ground in record time, and the show was bankrupt later that year. There have been attempts to revive the show, but they have failed to get traction.

The Ice Capades came to the Assembly Hall in Champaign, Illinois when I was 6 years old, and I was in attendance with my best friend Kari and my mother. I saved my souvenir program, and looking at it now transports me back to that winter night so long ago. I was not exactly an ice skating fanatic, but I was very impressed with the glitz and glamour of the costumes like these:

This is the program’s front cover. These skaters were from the “Viva Vegas Viva” number. They should have just called it “I am a Vegas Showgirl!” They were rocking some serious plumage.

“Hello World Hello” was their Broadway/New York themed number.

“A Slice of Apple Pie”….some generic patriotic number. Even as a kid I thought these costumes were atrocious.

“That’s Jazz” featured eye-searing hot pink costumes and Stargate-sized tambourine gates. In retrospect, this seems very goofy…however, when you’re a 6 year old from a town with no stop lights or a grocery store, it suddenly becomes very impressive.

“Flight to Kismet” was their 1001 Arabian Nights themed act. I do not remember why there was a scantily-clad woman in a giant snow globe, but I do remember her swimming around inside of the globe. I was very impressed with her ability to hold her breath.

Aside from the spectacular larger themed numbers, there were about a dozen single/pair skaters who executed more of a traditional Olympic-style routine. Jean-Pierre Romano was my favorite of this bunch, cuz he dressed like a 50s greaser, and hammed it up for the crowd. I think this was the first time I ever saw a wallet chain, too.

But all of these numbers paled in comparison to the main attraction (in my mind anyway) — THE SMURFS. I don’t really remember what happened during “Smurfs Alive!” but Gargamel was there and he freaked me out.

I do remember it being a little hard to distinguish which Smurf was which from a distance.

After the Ice Capades show, I had Kari over to my house for a sleepover. It was during this time that she swore to me that she had a friend who lived in her closet named Mister Donut. Mister Donut was, of course, a walking, talking anthropomorphic donut, complete with chocolate frosting and googly eyes. She was so convincing, and I was the type of kid who wanted to believe that I could have a mysterious donut friend as well, so I believed her. Boy, was I disappointed when I finally visited her house and she admitted she had lied. But I loved her nonetheless. And I’m very glad she humored me and went with me to the Ice Capades.

]]> https://neatneatneat.wordpress.com/2010/01/29/ice-capades-program-1983/feed/ 2 neatneatneat ice capades icecapadescover icecapadeshello icecapadesapple icecapadesjazz icecapadeskismet icecapadesfrench icecapadessmurfs icecapadessmurf2 https://neatneatneat.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/he-dreamed-of-a-perfect-woman-1957/ https://neatneatneat.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/he-dreamed-of-a-perfect-woman-1957/#comments Fri, 20 Nov 2009 07:11:39 +0000 neatneatneat http://neatneatneat.wordpress.com/?p=832 ]]>

]]> https://neatneatneat.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/he-dreamed-of-a-perfect-woman-1957/feed/ 0 neatneatneat dreamwoman https://neatneatneat.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/where-are-we-red-robin-comment-card-2006/ https://neatneatneat.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/where-are-we-red-robin-comment-card-2006/#comments Fri, 20 Nov 2009 07:07:22 +0000 neatneatneat http://neatneatneat.wordpress.com/?p=829 ]]>

Received this after eating a designer veggie burger at Red Robin Restaurant in Monona, Wisconsin. I love the little cartoon robin’s facial expressions.

When I ran across this advertisement, I was a little shocked. Towering, complicated, molded jellos were pretty popular in the 1960s and 1970s, but this one seemed a little off. The familiar Wrigley’s Spearmint packaging jumped out at me, and I immediately thought the white layer of the salad was somehow composed of gum. Chopped, melted, boiled, I wasn’t sure, but I was suitably horrified. Tomato jello and spearmint gum…yes, there really was something wrong with people in the 1970s. However, when I actually got enough gumption to read the recipe, I learned that this layer was comprised of cottage cheese instead. And the jello is lemon flavored. With vinegar. And green peppers. They just wanted you to chew the gum later on, to keep you cool…apparently like this salad did. I’m not about to test these claims, but you’re welcome to.

Army Laughs was one of many cheap humor publications that now aptly represent the “golden age of low-to-mid-level magazine cartooning.” Army Laughs typically featured art by noteworthy cartoonists; the cover of this issue is by Don Orehek, whose work one can find in Cracked, Playboy, and Saturday Evening Post. The quality was not always at the level found in more well-known publications; these second-rate humor mags often served as a dumping ground for hastily done work –  a quick way to make a buck. The magazine contains as assortment of bawdy comics (the women all have enormous knockers), cornball jokes, and the occasional titillating nudie pin-up photo.

Prostitution and butt jokes!

Typical short jokes

Great (yet creepy) overhead conversation joke. Like a naughty Three’s Company episode.

This is my favorite one. Another awesome overheard conversation, but the subject matter combined with the dad’s insanely apoplectic state, and the weirdly drawn kid just add up to big laffs for me.

From the age when librarians could publicly lay the smack down on unruly patrons:

Happy Veteran’s Day.

My grandfather was a platoon sergeant in the Army during World War II, and was a combat veteran. He served in the Pacific Theater, and used to regale me with tales of his travels in Papua New Guinea, the Philippines, Guam, Hawaii, Japan, and other small islands.

This photo ran in his hometown paper; I’m not really sure of the date. I think this may have been taken during his basic training at Fort Lewis, Washington, in 1939.

I always loved this picture of my grandparents. When I see it, my mind starts playing the Andrews Sisters song “Don’t sit under the apple tree…with anyone else but me…”

He was heavyweight boxing champion twice for the 33rd Infantry Division. The family legend is that he knocked out the notorious Rocky Marciano in a match. Rocky was also stationed at Fort Lewis at some point, so it was possible.

My grandfather was very proud of his service, although it weighed on his consciousness for his entire life. He was reticent about talking about combat; it reminded him of the friends he had lost, and all the ugliness he had seen. He was very involved with the American Legion as a civilian, and the reunion celebrations held for his division, and he maintained friendships with his soldier buddies until the time of his death. Although I miss him profoundly every day, the loss is a little more  poignant on Veteran’s Day. Of all the health issues that could get an 78 year old, he broke his neck after falling out of bed. He told us before he passed away that on that particular night he’d had a particularly vivid flashback/nightmare of a time when a Japanese soldier jumped into his foxhole. This caused him enough fright that he fell out of bed. I’d never really considered it before, but apparently war can claim casualties many years after it’s ended.

Bernard, Raymond W. (1901-1965) The Hollow Earth: The Greatest Geographical Discovery in History, Made by Admiral Richard E. Byrd in the Mysterious Land Beyond the Poles — the True Origin of Flying Saucers. New York: Fieldcrest Publishing Company, 1964.

Widely read and reprinted many times, Bernard’s book is considered by many to be the definitive treatise on the hollow Earth theory. The book purports that the Earth has a hollow and habitable interior, with a small sun in place of a molten core, and is inhabited by a race of “superhumans” who are the descendants of the exiled residents of the long lost continents of Atlantis and Lemuria. Bernard claimed that the true North and South poles had not yet been discovered, and that in their place are concave openings to the inner Earth.

Bernard quotes several diary entries and radio announcements by polar explorer Admiral Richard E. Byrd as being definitive proof for his theory that travel to the Earth’s interior was possible. Bernard claims that Byrd’s 1947 and 1956 expeditions took him “beyond the poles” into to a land of lush, green vegetation.

Bernard also popularized the theory that Atlantean inner-Earth beings invented flying saucers (or “vimanas”) many years ago, and were now visiting our realm. He borrowed a lot of these theories from Ray Palmer, the hunchback-dwarf editor of Flying Saucers magazine; Palmer was generally considered by the FBI to be the chief cause of flying saucer hysteria in the 1950s. Hollow Earth theories today are dismissed as pseudoscience, as the claims have been disputed by geodetic data and satellite imagery. True believers, of course, assert this information is fabricated, and is part of a massive governmental conspiracy to keep us from the truth.

Controversy exists as to whether or not an author by the name of Raymond Bernard actually existed. An article penned by Scientific American columnist Martin Gardner claimed that Bernard was actually a pseudonym for a man named Dr. Walter Siegmeister. Dr. Siegmeister was a scientist who initially studied lecithin and its therapeutic aspects. Siegmeister/Bernard also wrote on such varied subjects as utopian settlements, eugenics (Creation of the Superman), Jesus (The Secret Life of Jesus the Essene), constipation (Nutritional Methods of Intestinal Regeneration, Constipation), virgin birth (The Mysteries of Human Reproduction), atomic survivalism (Escape from Destruction: How to Survive in the Atomic Age), Rosicrucianism, sexual abstention (Science Discovers the Physiological Value of Continence), bizarre diets (Organic Way To Health), Atlantis, and how to “cure” menstruation (The Physiological Enigma of Woman: The Mystery of Menstruation). In fact, most of his books contained some skilled amalgamation of a number of these subjects. Bernard/Siegmeister reportedly died in 1965 of pneumonia while searching for a tunnel opening to inner Earth in South America.

The Hollow Earth is truly one of my favorite books. I love the book’s cover, and the rather homemade looking illustrations. It’s chock-full of bizarre hyperbole, meandering logic, and circumlocutory reasoning. Reading it is an experience I can only describe as falling down the occult rabbit hole. Although Bernard’s theories can be debunked pretty easily, there’s a part of me that wishes he was right. I’d certainly fancy a saucer ride to the center of the Earth to meet out Atlantean elders.

“Evidence exists, all we have to do is examine it.”